Little Girl Dreams

Last month I shared some of my childhood dreams, describing how some have come true while others have evolved, changed or became less important.  One dream many young girls have as they grow up and I admit it has been one of mine is my wedding day. The dream of wearing the beautiful, flowing white wedding dress with the long veil and crown head piece, seeing the expression of your love when he first lays eyes on you at the other end of the church, the smell and colors of the flowers all over the church and in your hands, your dad's face tearing up as he realizes his little girl is no longer a little girl anymore, how happy your mom is that they are entrusting their daughter to an amazing man who will step up to champion himself for her, the love and hope, seeing the faces all around of the most important people in your life as you walk down the aisle with your dad and then he places your hand into your beloveds hand as you hold back all of your emotion. Then pouring out our hearts to the Lord who loved us first and expressing our love for each other, singing, praying, and marking the day with symbols of commitment for remembrance....

The few of you who actually visit this blog spot may be scratching your heads now wondering why I still have these imaginations.  Even as I was writing this the emotion is just below the surface.  Partly because Eddie and I will be celebrating thirty years of marriage and I am coming to the realization that this dream will not be captured so it is time to let it go. 

We actually had three weddings during our life together.  The first time I wore a knee length, lilac dress, carried a beautiful bouquet of red roses, went to the court house with one of my younger brothers and Eddie's sister, we repeated the vows to each other and the sweet, lady judge pronounced us husband and wife.  The second ceremony was at St. Francis church on our one year anniversary.  I wore a white, knee length, square neck dress, my dad did what I imagined and so did my mom.  It was a traditional Catholic ceremony which Father Mike conducted a "blue light" sacrament special with my First Communion, Confirmation and Wedding sacraments.  One of Eddie's older brothers (who is no longer with us today) and a close friend of his was with him at the alter.  Two of my girlfriends were with me although they could not even agree on the same color dress to wear and they are no longer part of my life today.  We don't have pictures of the ceremony, we do have special memories like Eddie writing I DO on the bottoms of his shoes so everyone could see it when we were kneeling and baby Crystal was with us in a red polka dot white dress with a ruffle bottom and red tights.  She was delighted to be passed around all of her relatives with her red haired Raggedy Ann doll.  Another special part was the fact we wrote our vows to each other.  The third wedding was the year of our tenth anniversary with Crystal facilitating the ceremony in our living room.  Remembering that day also brings tears to the surface because she knew how much I love weddings.

Even though, at the time, we did not really know the Lord in a personal way, it was clear that He was wooing us because He was revealing Himself to us through the love He grew in us for each other.  God created us for romance, we have an insatiable capacity for it and He gave us such a heart.  He gives to each of us particular things that capture our hearts, those things we loved when we were young and those things we love still.

I have been told that I over analyze behavior, thoughts, words and actions, that I try to determine reasons for situations that occur so I can understand and modify my response.  This has helped me adapt to the changes that result from life and allowed me to come to terms with aspects of my past while other times the pressure is immobilizing.

Now I realize it is time to let go of the little girls dream of wearing the long, flowing, white wedding dress with the head piece crown because the dream imagined cannot be captured. A wedding ceremony allows family and friends to be a witness to the couple celebrating their love for each other. Eddie is my witness. My life will not go unnoticed because he will notice; my life is important, it matters and has meaning to him.  A wedding does not make a marriage; although in a wedding you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all the time, every day. It's time to throw away all the wedding invitations that I have collected over the years and make room for new dreams of the future.