Change

March of 2008 was when my journey to a healthy body began. It's taken awhile to get used to my "new look", no more hiding. I have lost over 65 pounds yet I have continually sabotaged myself from actually reaching the final goal I set when I began. I must be content in the stage of striving to reach the goal. I recently concluded I have a fear of success and fear of living in the world of "maintenance". I've been there multiple times over many, many years and failed to maintain. Am I truly transformed in my mind, not just living in a changed body? Or are there still layers to unravel? Why don't I allow myself to reach the goal? As I get closer to being 50 years old it seems I "feel" more; I mean I already knew I was an emotional person. I think this is a new reality for me because I have already pealed several layers, many scabs are gone because there has been healing. Yes my relationship with food has changed and it is hard work. There's no secret formula - it's healthy food choices, exercise, persistence and the love of my family. Basically, eat less, move more and recognize reasons behind what is put in my mouth It was important to identify that I am an emotional eater. What I am finding underneath the layers is still a woman desiring to be liked, to be encouraged, to be accepted, someone that others want to be around. I want to be a confidant woman. Since Thanksgiving 2008 I ran in three 5Ks; each one with a better time. The second one was a greater improvement than the third. I experienced what athletes do every time they play their sport when Eddie was proudly cheering me on from the sidelines for the second 5K which I attribute to my improvement. When the third came he joined me in the run. Now, because his nature is to compete he is now addicted to running. Of course, when he was in high school he was on the track team. I, on the other hand, was never considered an athlete. I am not as driven as he is but it is nice to be active together. Honestly, I cannot tell you I like running, exercising or even sweating. It is a means to an end = healthy. I know for certain that when I do finally reach the maintenance phase it will be for the rest of my life. I have to stay focused and strong for the new lifestyle. The process is as important as reaching the goal. Just as a caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly. Crystal and Jeremiah gave me a butterfly charm necklace as a gift to symbolize my transformation. It is also a reminder that it was the two of them that challenged me New Years 2008 to get out of my comfort zone and try something new. St. Francis said, "Do not wish to be anything but what you are and try to be that perfectly." The challenge with that is: who am I, really? When will I meet the real me? I am a goal setter, a list maker, an information gatherer, sorting and organizing. Once it's done, I'm done. I really do want to do better and be better except I still have feelings of inadequacy and all this work has made me tired. Some days I ask myself Does it really matter? Then I remember that I am 'fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14a) and I am His treasure.